


Just a Bad Day

by MysteriousMidnight



Series: Dear Evan Hansen One Shots [19]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Conguel Implied, Depression, Discussion of Past Suicide Attempt, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Kleinsen, M/M, Miguel doesn't make an appearance but is mentioned, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Small amount of internalized homophobia briefly mentioned, Soft Jared Kleinman, Suicidal Thoughts, This is DEH so lots of talk about Suicide, Very brief mentions of vomit, Very very briefly - Freeform, nothing graphic at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 10:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29383605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysteriousMidnight/pseuds/MysteriousMidnight
Summary: Evan has a really bad mental health day, and a confession to make. Jared comforts him.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Miguel, Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman & Miguel, Miguel/Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)
Series: Dear Evan Hansen One Shots [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757371
Comments: 2
Kudos: 32





	Just a Bad Day

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiiiii. Hope everyone is well! I've been dying to write some hurt/comfort and/or fluff/angst Kleinsen, so I put a call out on Tumblr and Discord. This prompt came from Discord, and was simply for "Just Evan having a bad mental health day and Jared being there for him." But then it took on a life of it's own and got VERY angsty. I'm really excited to share it! Shout-out to CravingCraze for coming up with "You're my best friend" as Kleinsen's code word for "I love you."
> 
> As usual, please note that I didn't do much research about what happens when a minor gets caught in a suicide attempt and/or when a minor confesses to a past suicide attempt. So I have no idea if that part is accurate at all; I just wrote what fit the story. Please forgive me if it's wildly wrong.
> 
> With all that said... Enjoy! :D

“Hey Acorn!”

Evan flinched but didn’t respond, just opened his locker and started tossing in what he didn’t need and grabbing what he did.

Jared poked his side, which usually made Evan giggle and squirm. Today, he glared at Jared, then slammed his locker shut.

“Hey, what’s up?” Jared asked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

Evan shrugged. He didn’t want to take his shitty mood out on Jared, he really didn’t. He grabbed Jared’s hand and squeezed.

“Just tired,” he lied. He’d promised his mom and Dr. Sherman he wouldn’t lie anymore, not since they found out the truth about last summer. But it was just a little white lie; it wouldn’t hurt anyone, right?

“Okay, well, let me know if you’re still up for video games at Connor’s house later,” Jared said, bringing Evan’s hand to his lips and kissing it – something that was very Un-Jared like. Or, was a few months ago. Now, it was something he did pretty often. Evan wasn’t sure what had pulled this softer Jared to the surface, but he melted into it every time it happened.

“If you’re too tired,” Jared continued, “we can just reschedule and do dinner and Netflix at my house.”

Evan nodded, dropping Jared’s hand. The dark cloud hanging over him was being persistent, and he needed to leave before he said or did something he regretted. He mumbled something about getting to class, then disappeared down the hall.

Jared stared after him, shoulders slumping.

~*~*~

Evan was having a bad day.

Objectively, it probably wasn’t as bad as he was making it out to be in his head, he knew that. He’d been working hard in his sessions with Dr. Sherman, and he could recognize when his brain was being mean and telling him things were worse than they were.

That didn’t mean he was always able to react logically when his brain _was_ being an asshole to him. Sometimes, he could fight back; tell his brain to shut up.

Today was not one of those days.

He hadn’t fallen asleep until 4am, and then he’d woken to his alarm blaring at 6:30am.

He’d debated skipping class. He probably should have. Jared had to be at school early for a student council meeting - Alana Beck had roped him into being the treasurer at the beginning of the year. So that meant Evan had to take the bus. He hated the bus. The bus was loud and crowded. He’d pressed himself as close to the window as he could, curling into himself, taking up as little room as possible. But the kid next to him kept hitting Evan with his backpack. Evan flinched every time, clenching his jaw to keep from screaming.

By the time he’d gotten to school, his nerves were shot. He knew Jared had just been teasing him, and he knew it wasn’t fair to get mad at Jared for calling him “acorn” when Jared still didn’t know-

“Evan?”

Evan blinked, looking up at Ms. Kersch, his math teacher, in confusion.

“Can you answer the question?”

“What-?” Evan asked stupidly, staring at the chalk she was holding out, then the question on the board. He could hear laughter behind him, and his cheeks burned with embarrassment.

“Evan, if you’d been paying attention, this would be easy,” Ms. Kersch scolded.

Evan stared down at his hands, picking his cuticles until they bled. Ms. Kersch sighed, then asked Dana P. to come up instead.

When the bell rang, Evan rushed out of class before Ms. Kersch could ask him to stay after and chat with her, relieved when he spotted Jared and Connor talking by Jared’s locker. He quickened his pace and hurried to Jared’s side, wrapping his arms around Jared’s middle and burying his face in his chest.

“Hey,” Jared said, surprised. This was way more PDA than they usually engaged in at school. But something was clearly going on with Evan, and if he needed comfort in the form of a hug, Jared wasn’t going to deny him that. He wrapped his arms tight around Evan’s back, rubbing his hand in soothing circles. “You okay?”

“Headache,” Evan lied, voice muffled against Jared’s shirt. He didn’t want to bother Jared with his stupid problems. Jared helped him enough, talked him down from his panic attacks enough. Evan didn’t want to bother him with his bullshit again. Lying was easier. Safer. Stupider. 

“Do you need to go to the nurse?” Jared asked.

Evan pulled away reluctantly, nodding. “Yeah, I- Yeah. I think I need to lay down for a little bit.”

Jared nodded, taking Evan’s hand. They said goodbye to Connor, promising to see him at lunch. Evan held tight to his hand the whole way there, but refused to look at him or talk.

The nurse let Evan lay down for an hour, which was perfect because it meant he got to skip gym class. But he had lunch after that, and she told him he should go eat and then he could always come back if getting some food didn’t help.

Evan reluctantly agreed to go to lunch, but only because the alternative was her calling his mom and sending him home, and he didn’t want his mom to know.

He met Jared and Connor at the entrance to the cafeteria. Jared took his hand again as they made their way to the food line. Evan stared down at his feet the whole time.

When they finally sat, he picked at his food. He had no appetite.

Jared and Connor glanced at him, then at each other, both frowning in concern. They tried to keep the conversation going, keep Evan engaged, but he just shrugged a lot and mumbled “yeah” and “no” occasionally.

“Do you want to go back to the nurse?” Jared asked as the bell rang.

Evan shook his head, then winced; he wasn’t sure if it was karma or a self-fulfilling prophecy, but he really _did_ have a headache now. But if he went back to the nurse, she’d call his mom.

“I’m fine, just- bathroom,” Evan mumbled. “See you in class.” He threw out his food, which he’d barely touched, then raced to the bathroom and threw up what he _had_ managed to get down. He shifted so his back was against the stall door, blinking back frustrated tears.

By the time he got to class, Jared and Connor were already there. They’d saved him the seat between them, which he was grateful for. He mumbled a thanks as he sat.

Thankfully, it was English class, and he loved English class - and not just because Jared and Connor were both there, though that helped. The teacher, Mr. Frost - yes, like the poet Robert Frost, as he always liked to joke - was really nice and never picked on Evan to read. He knew about Evan’s anxiety and how badly he would stutter through any passages he had to read out loud. Evan was more grateful than he could put into words, though it _did_ mean extra credit assignments to make up for his lack of class participation. But extra assignments were still better than making a fool of himself in front of everyone.

He did his best to focus on what Mr. Frost was saying, because he loved this class and appreciated Mr. Frost being so awesome about his anxiety, but his head felt heavy and empty, and he found himself spacing out roughly halfway through the lesson. 

Jared and Connor tried to ask how he was after class, but he just mumbled that he was fine and escaped as soon as the bell rang so they couldn’t question him further.

Evan reluctantly took a seat in his next class, which happened to be debate. On top of everything else, he was due to present today. This class was the reason he hadn’t gone to bed until 4am; he’d been working on his speech. He had written and re-written, and he still didn’t feel ready to present. Maybe that was also because he had to go up against Alana Beck, and she always crushed her competition in debate.

Evan and Alana were the third group up, which was almost more stressful than being first. At least if they were first, he could get this over with. Even being last would have been better, because no one focused on the group that went last; it was too close to the end of class, and everyone got antsy. But no, they had to be up third. 

The longer he waited, the more his brain told him how awful this was going to be, how it would all go wrong and he’d look like an idiot, how everyone would laugh at him-

Before he knew it, he was standing at one podium and Alana was standing at the other. Alana was the “pro” argument today, so she got to go first.

The longer Evan stood in front of the whole class, the sicker he felt. He was going to throw up again, he just knew it.

“Evan?”

He glanced up at his teacher.

“It’s your turn,” she reminded him, her voice firm and a little impatient.

Evan swallowed back his nerves and straightened his posture. He glanced at his note cards, then up at the class. He opened his mouth, slapped a hand over it then bolted out of the room.

~*~*~

He had nothing left to throw up, so all he did was dry heave a few times. He flushed the toilet anyway, then stood at the sink, splashing his face with water, hands shaking.

He started back towards class, then changed his mind. His breathing was still erratic and his chest hurt and if he went back, they’d all laugh at him and make fun of him for running away to puke even though he hadn’t actually puked and then his teacher would tell him in front of everyone that he’d failed or worse she’d tell him he needed to redo the assignment another day and today had just sucked and-

He slid down the front of his locker until his butt hit the hard ground, bringing his knees up to his chest so he could rest his head on them.

 _Get it together_ , Evan scolded himself.

But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t, and he started crying, soaking the knees of his jeans in tears and snot.

~*~*~

“Evan?”

Evan startled, but kept his head firmly on his knees. He had no clue how much time had passed, how long he’d been crying in the school hallway, how many people had seen him-

“Hey, Evan?”

The voice sounded worried. Evan knew he should acknowledge whoever it was - the voice sounded vaguely familiar - but he was drained and crying and a mess and-

He jumped, finally looking up when a hand touched his shoulder.

“C-Connor?”

“Are you okay?” Connor asked worriedly, drawing his hand back. “Should I get someone? A teacher? Do you need to go to the nurse?”

Evan shook his head vehemently. Going to the nurse would _definitely_ result in a phone call home, which would mean his mom would find out he’d had a panic attack at school, which meant an extra appointment with Dr. Sherman. He didn’t need that; it had just been a bad day. He just needed to calm down.

Connor frowned. He was still new to this whole “having friends” thing, and he felt a bit lost. He knew Evan had panic attacks because they’d discussed it after the incident the first week of school, after he’d tried to unsuccessfully- Well, he didn’t want to think about that. He had to focus on Evan – Evan, who was having a panic attack. Though Connor had had his fair share of panic attacks, he had no clue how to help someone while they were having one. And he was terrified he’d make it worse.

“D’you want me to get Jared?”

Evan hesitated. He didn’t want to bother Jared. That’s why he’d lied to Jared earlier - twice. He couldn’t bother Jared with his bullshit because then Jared would get tired of him and break up with him, stop being his friend. And then Connor would stop being his friend because he wasn’t interesting and Jared had great video games and they both liked playing video games, and Connor wouldn’t want to deal with Evan’s bullshit and Jared didn’t have panic attacks in the middle of the hallway, so of course they’d stay friends and leave Evan behind and-

“Evan?”

Evan blinked wearily up at Connor, finally admitting defeat. He nodded, dropping his head back onto his knees and sniffling.

Connor sat beside him on the floor, sending Jared a quick SOS text.

“He’s on his way,” Connor assured Evan. “I’m just gonna sit with you till he gets here, ‘kay? We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.”

Evan nodded gratefully. He kept his eyes closed for several more seconds, taking deep breaths like Dr. Sherman had suggested.

“Thank you,” he said, after he’d finally managed to get his breathing under control.

Connor shrugged, shifting so his legs were crossed under him. He picked at a hole in the knee of his jeans. “No problem. I’m not, like, great at this shit. Sorry if I fucked up.”

“You didn’t,” Evan assured him.

“Evan!”

Jared dropped down in front of him, hands hovering over Evan’s knees.

“Hey,” Evan said, forcing himself to smile, but he knew Jared could tell it was fake by the concern in his eyes.

“Is touch okay?” Jared asked. When Evan nodded, he grabbed both of Evan’s hands in his own. “What happened?”

“I just.. it’s been..” Evan sighed, shaking his head. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath. “Bad day.”

“Do you want to go home? I can take you to the nurse-“

“No,” Evan said quickly. “They’ll call my mom and then she’ll book me an extra therapy appointment, and- and I don’t need one. It was just a bad day.”

Jared gave him a look.

“Really,” Evan insisted. “I’m fine. I mean, I guess I’m. Not really. Because, well, panic attack. But I don’t need another therapy session, I’m just- I’m tired and today sucked and-“

“Okay,” Jared said gently, sitting beside him and wrapping an arm around him. “Okay, we’ll just sit here till you feel better, okay?”

Evan nodded, burying his face in Jared’s side.

“Thanks, dude,” Jared said to Connor.

Connor nodded. “Let me know if you guys still wanna come over after school. I know my mom hovers, but I’ve got some new games, and then at least Evan doesn’t have to face Heidi right away, y’know?”

“Is Miguel gonna be there? I still owe him a good ass kicking from the last time,” Jared said with a grin.

Connor snorted. “He’ll be there. And I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to kick _your_ ass again.”

“Cool, I’ll text you later, see if Evan feels up to it.”

“I’m _right_ here,” Evan reminded them, rolling his eyes. “Panic attacks might make me nonverbal sometimes, but they don’t make me deaf.”

“Sassy,” Jared snickered. “You’re feeling better if you’re being sassy.”

Evan stuck his tongue out at his boyfriend.

“Yep, he’s definitely feeling better,” Jared said to Connor, nodding his head at Evan. “He’ll be fine.”

“I can still hear you,” Evan grumbled, pressing his face against Jared’s side again. He could feel Jared shaking with laughter, then the sound of retreating footsteps as Connor walked away.

Jared kept his arms tight around Evan, planting a kiss on his head.

The bell rang. 

The warning bell rang.

They kept sitting there.

“Are you sure I can’t convince you to go back to the nurse and go home?” Jared asked after awhile.

Evan frowned. Jared wanted him to go home. He kept insisting. Because Evan was screwing up his day. He was missing class because of Evan.

Evan pulled away, putting distance between them. He didn’t deserve Jared’s help. Even though Jared’s hugs were comforting, grounding. He didn’t deserve Jared at all. He was such a mess, such a fuck up, so broken-

“Evan.”

Evan looked up reluctantly.

“I know that look. Your brain is being an asshole right now,” Jared said, scooting closer and closing the gap Evan had created. “Whatever it’s saying, tell it to shut up.”

Evan opened and closed his mouth, then nodded, resting his head against Jared’s shoulder.

“Talk to me, Ev,” he said, putting his arm around Evan again. “I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

It would be so easy to tell Jared about last summer. To finally admit what he’d done. His mom and Dr. Sherman had both encouraged him to tell Jared, to be honest with him. They were in a relationship, and honesty was important. Plus, Evan had expressed to them how guilty he felt for lying, for not being honest, how it was eating him up and giving him nightmares.

But Jared would hate him, would think he was a coward or worse. Or he’d just hate Evan simply for lying to him about something so huge.

Either way, the outcome was bad. Either way, Evan would lose Jared. And he didn’t want to lose Jared. He couldn’t lose Jared. Jared had been his rock for so long. He couldn’t risk it.

“Just-“ Evan licked his lips and sighed. “You pushing me to go to the nurse.. She’ll tell my mom and my mom will book me an extra therapy appointment and I just- I don’t need it. So it just... You suggesting it freaked me out.” It was as close to the truth as he could get.

“I’m sorry,” Jared said, taking Evan’s hand and squeezing. “I didn’t mean to push. I’m just worried about you. Do you really think you can get through two more classes?”

“I don’t know,” Evan admitted, voice small.

Jared was quiet for a minute, holding Evan tight, helping keep him grounded and in the moment.

“What if I tell the nurse I don’t feel well? And that you’re my ride home.”

Evan glanced at him, looking worried. “What if they find out we lied?”

Jared shrugged. “I mean, technically I’m _your_ ride, so we’re just... It’s just a white lie, right? But then Heidi doesn’t have to know. We can go back to my place and just chill until you feel up to facing her.”

Evan sighed. He didn’t want to lie. He didn’t want to make Jared lie.

“I’ll be fine, we should get to class.” Evan tried to stand up before Jared could protest, but Jared pulled him back down. The sudden movement caught Evan by surprise and he ended up falling right into Jared’s lap.

“Oof!” Evan cried, as Jared wrapped his arms around Evan to steady him.

“You okay?” Jared asked, but he was laughing.

Evan huffed. “I’d be better if my boyfriend would stop laughing at me.”

Jared snickered, leaning in and kissing him. “Sorry. Let’s go.”

Evan got awkwardly to his feet, then helped Jared stand. Thankfully, the class they were incredibly late for now was one they shared. Jared tugged Evan along, letting his hand go just before they stepped into the classroom.

“Oh, Mr. Kleinman, Mr. Hansen, so good of you to finally join us!” Mr. Richards, the extremely irritable history teacher, scolded them. “Late pass?”

“Oh, uh- my fault,” Jared shrugged, giving Mr. Richards a bright smile. “Got lost.”

Mr. Richards quirked a brow. “Lost? We’re seven months into the school year, Mr. Kleinman, and you got _lost_?”

Jared shrugged, looking the picture of innocence. “Won’t happen again,” he promised, as he and Evan sunk into their seats.

Mr. Richards didn’t look convinced, but he let it slide and went back to his lesson.

~*~*~

“Okay, I’m going to meet you right here after class, okay?” Jared said, gripping Evan’s hand tightly.

Evan nodded, heart pounding in his chest. He wished Jared had last period with him. He was hanging on by a thread; he didn’t want to do this. But he’d managed to get through the day, and he didn’t want to fuck up now.

“I’ll see you soon, alright?” Jared said firmly. “You’re my best friend.”

Evan smiled a small smile at Jared’s use of their secret phrase for “I love you” when they wanted to say it but couldn’t for whatever reason. “You’re my best friend, too. Thanks.”

~*~*~

Evan barely paid attention in class. He barely took notes. His brain had completely shut down.

So when he saw Jared waiting outside the classroom door as soon as the bell rang, he ran right into his arms and pressed his face against Jared’s chest, breathing in his comforting scent.

Jared walked them sideways, not letting Evan go, to get them out of the way of the door. He ignored the looks they were getting, instead focusing on Evan.

“You good?” He asked, waiting until the hallway was almost empty before planting a kiss on Evan’s head.

“Yeah,” Evan said wearily, pulling away reluctantly. He took Jared’s hand and let Jared take the lead. They got what they needed from their lockers and hurried out to Jared’s car.

Jared’s parents weren’t going to be home until late, so his mom had left him money and they used it to get Chinese on the way home. Jared went in for it, sending a text to Connor while he waited to let Connor know Evan wasn’t doing great and they’d need to rain check their hangout session tonight. Connor said it was fine, to let Evan know he hoped he felt better soon.

When they got back to Jared’s, they went right up to his room. Jared made Evan change into a pair of pajamas he kept there for emergencies. Jared changed, too, and then they settled on the floor in front of his bed with his laptop and their food. They queued up Netflix and ate in silence for awhile.

“So,” Jared said, pausing Netflix after they’d gotten through two episodes. “Wanna tell me what happened today?”

Evan blushed, shaking his head. “I’m fine, really-“

“Ev, come on,” Jared pushed, frowning. “Please don’t lie to me again. You’re not fine.”

Tears filled Evan’s eyes. He tried to look away before Jared saw, but no such luck. Jared pulled him in and held him, and Evan broke. He started sobbing, soaking Jared’s shirt. He was a messy crier he was so gross why was Jared putting up with this why wasn’t he telling Evan to fuck off like he should like he would if Evan admitted what he’d done over the summer then it would be over and-

“Evan.”

Evan sniffled, glancing up at Jared.

“I don’t know what’s happening in there,” he said, gently poking the side of Evan’s head. “But I can tell you’re freaking out. So, please. Trust me when I say you can tell me the truth. Trust me when I tell you that nothing you say will freak me out or scare me off.”

Evan tried to maintain eye contact but he couldn’t; he was too ashamed.

“Okay, would it help if I admitted something to you first?”

Evan looked up at Jared in alarm. Was this it? Was Jared breaking up with him? Was he tired and done and fed-up? Was he sick of Evan’s bullshit and this was the perfect opportunity to tell him-

“Hey, hey, Evan, breathe,” Jared said quickly. “It’s okay.”

Evan nodded, trying to get his breathing under control. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m- I’m like this. I just, I-“

“I’m seeing a therapist,” Jared blurted.

Evan blinked at him, mouth open in surprise. “I- you are?”

Jared nodded, and Evan could tell he was really embarrassed to admit it.

“Yeah, uh. Well.. after the first week of school, and how everything went down? With you and with Connor? I just.. I know I fucked up really badly. And it almost cost us our friendship and Connor his life. And I never would have forgiven myself if either thing had happened.”

“How long?” Evan asked.

“Um.. Six months? I started going in, um- in October?

Evan thought back, and he realized that Jared _had_ seemed different the last few months. Softer. Kinder. Fewer insults, less jokes about being “family friends.” And then Jared’s admission back in December that he had feelings for Evan, a week before Christmas break. Jared had blurted out that he liked Evan. He’d admitted that accepting his sexuality had been a long, hard road, and that he’d pushed Evan away for a long time because he didn’t know how to handle any of the things he was feeling. He’d struggled for years with emotions and feelings and expressing himself, masking his struggle with jokes and barbs and insults.

Therapy had helped a lot. Admitting his feelings to Evan had helped a lot. He’d apologized profusely, promised to be better, and he had been so far. He wasn’t always perfect, and he slipped up a few times, but he was trying. It was a work in progress, and he was trying.

They’d officially started dating in January.

“I- thank you,” Evan said, trying to keep his voice even. “Thank you for telling me, for trusting me with that.”

Jared nodded, letting out a shaky breath. “I mean, I know you’ve been in therapy for years and I- I should have told you sooner. But it was-“

“I get it, you don’t have to explain,” Evan said quickly, taking Jared’s hand and leaning in to kiss him. He just needed to kiss Jared, to memorize the way his lips felt and the way he relaxed against Evan when they kissed. Because once Evan told him about last summer, Jared would leave and he’d never get to kiss him again.

Jared squeezed his hand. “Okay, so. Are you ready to tell me what’s been bothering you?”

Evan shrugged, picking absently at a loose thread on Jared’s jeans. “I- today was just.. it was just a bad day. Everything went wrong and it just- It was just a lot. It felt like.. Like the universe was against me, trying to make me miserable.”

“I’ll kick the universe’s ass,” Jared huffed.

Evan couldn’t help but laugh, but he was crying again, and shaking. And Jared noticed and pulled him into a hug, telling him it was okay, that it would be okay.

“No, it won’t be okay,” Evan sniffled. “Because once I tell you, you’ll leave. And I don’t want you to leave.”

Jared furrowed his brow. “I’m not going anywhere, Ev,” he said firmly, taking Evan’s hands in his. “You can tell me anything.”

Evan shook his head. He’d cried so much today, he was so tired of crying. And he had a horrible headache from crying.

Jared just held his hands and promised him everything would be okay, but Evan knew that wasn’t true. Nothing would ever be okay again.

“Evan, please,” Jared said. “You’re scaring me.”

Evan stared at the floor for a long time. This was it. It was now or never.

“I just...” Evan sighed, closing his eyes, sniffling. “Last summer..? When I-“ he swallowed his nerves. “I didn’t- I didn’t fall.”

“What?” Jared asked, feeling like someone had punched him right in the stomach, the wind knocked out of him.

“I didn’t fall,” Evan repeated hollowly. “I.. I let go.”

Jared opened and closed his mouth, struggling to find the right thing to say. But nothing could convey what he was feeling, so he grabbed Evan in another hug, pulling him close.

It was Jared’s turn to cry. Because he was an idiot. He was so, so stupid. He should have known. He should have realized sooner. Evan was good at climbing trees; he wouldn’t just fall. And what had Jared done upon first learning Evan had “fallen” out of a tree? He’d fucking laughed at him and called him an acorn and-

Fuck. Fuck fuck _fuck_. He’d called Evan an acorn that morning, too. Had that been a trigger for Evan? Was that part of why he- he-

Evan was holding him tight, and kissing his cheek. Jared felt ashamed; he should be the one comforting Evan, not the other way around.

When they pulled apart, Jared took Evan’s hand and squeezed.

“I’m- Evan, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I should have known. If I hadn’t been such an ass to you-“

Evan shook his head. “No, don’t do that. Don’t blame- don’t blame yourself. It was me, and how I felt, and I just thought that- I thought everyone would be better off without- off without me?”

Jared blinked back tears. “Wrong. So wrong. Jesus Christ, I should have realized. I should have _known_. We hung out over the summer a few times, we- I should have been there more. If I hadn’t been so busy suppressing my stupid feelings, if I hadn’t been avoiding you, I would have been there and maybe- maybe you wouldn’t have-“

“Not your fault,” Evan said again, firmly. “Don’t think like that. And- and I’m okay now? I mean, not okay. But working on being on okay. It’s.. it’s hard some days. But I’m trying.”

“Does- does anyone else know? Your mom..?”

Evan nodded. “My mom and Dr. Sherman. I, um-“ He sighed. “After what happened the first week of school? And Connor.. It scared me because- I just kept thinking how that had been me, and it could have been me again and- and I- that day the Murphy’s came to the school and- my letter?” Evan swallowed, a lump in his throat. “I went home that day and- and I was so- I almost did it again. I was planning on doing it again.”

“Fuck,” Jared said quietly, gripping Evan’s hand so tightly, Evan winced. Jared loosened his grip, mumbling a “sorry.”

Evan nodded, letting out a puff of breath. “I had the bottle of Xanax open, and I was staring at it and- and then my mom came home and- I guess I didn’t hear her? And since I wasn’t expecting her, my door was open. So... so I was just tipping the bottle back and- and then she slapped it out of my hand and started yelling at me and crying, and-“

“Jesus fucking Christ, Evan,” Jared said, pulling Evan into a fierce hug.

“And then she was calling 911 and- and asking me if I’d swallowed any of the pills and- I don’t know, I don’t remember much after getting to the hospital. They had me sedated and then-“

“Is that why you weren’t at school that Monday?” Jared asked, as it dawned on him that he hadn’t even called Evan to ask how he was doing after he was called to the principal’s office that Friday.

Evan nodded. “The hospital had to hold me for, like, three days. It was a safety thing.” He sniffled, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “They wanted to admit me for a few weeks, but the idea of being in the hospital for a few weeks and missing school and people talking about me- it made me freak out worse and they had to sedate me again. And then the doctors met with me and mom and Dr. Sherman and they determined I was okay to go home as long as I wasn’t alone, and did two sessions a week with Dr. Sherman and-“

Evan laughed bitterly. “My mom had to call my grandma to come stay with us because she couldn’t miss that much work and class. My fucking grandma had to babysit me to make sure I didn’t try to kill myself again.”

“Evan,” Jared sighed. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

Evan shrugged. “I admitted to Dr. Sherman that I didn’t fall out of that tree after, like, two months of being on new meds and on the new therapy schedule. It sucked. It sucked even more when I had to tell my mom, and then she watched me like a hawk after that, and-“ He paused, shrugging helplessly. More tears filled his eyes, and Jared held him tight while he cried _again_. Seriously, how did he have any tears left, he wondered bitterly.

When he was finally done crying, he pulled away from Jared completely, bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

“I get it if- if you’re done with me,” Evan said quietly. “If this is too much-“

“Shut up,” Jared snapped, then winced. “Sorry, I didn’t mean- sorry. I just. Don’t even talk like that. I’m not breaking up with you just because your brain is an asshole to you sometimes. I’ve been a bigger asshole, so if anything, you should break up with-“

Evan shut him up with a kiss.

“I’m just so sorry you felt that way,” Jared said softly, staring at their laced fingers. “I’m so sorry. I never want you to feel that way again.”

“I have anxiety and depression,” Evan said, trying for a light, joking tone, but his laugh came out bitter and self-deprecating. “My brain’s always gonna be an asshole. But I’m- I’m working on it. I have better meds and- and I have a support system now. I have my mom and Dr. Sherman, and you and Connor.” He reached his free hand out and tilted Jared’s chin up so he was looking at Evan again. “Especially you. I was.. I was so scared to tell you. But I’m- I’m so relieved that you know and that I didn’t scare you away. I was terrified that, um, that I was going to lose you, and I-“

“You’re not going to lose me,” Jared promised. “I’m not going anywhere. Can’t get rid of me that easily.”

Evan smiled, leaning in and kissing Jared again, then burying his face in Jared’s chest. Jared wrapped him in a tight hug and Evan let out a shaky breath. He always felt so safe and loved in Jared’s arms...

“How about we get in bed and cuddle?” Jared blurted.

“Cuddle?” Evan asked, grinning at him. “You want to cuddle?”

“Shut up and let’s go before I change my mind,” Jared huffed, but he was blushing as he pulled Evan to his feet and they climbed into bed. Evan snuggled close to Jared, resting his head on Jared’s chest.

Jared rubbed circles into Evan’s back, peppering him with the occasional kiss.

“You know I love you, right?” Jared asked suddenly. “I know I’m not always the best at saying that. It’s still hard for me to, like, talk about feelings and shit. But I really do. You know that, right?”

Evan sat up, staring down at Jared with a slight frown. “Of course I do. I know you do, even if you can’t always say it. You don’t have to worry about saying it. I know it’s hard, but you’re trying and that’s all that matters.” He leaned down and planted a kiss on Jared’s lips. When he went to pull away, Jared wrapped his arms around him and kept him close.

Evan couldn’t help but laugh, snuggling against Jared. “Oh, and by the way?”

“Yeah?” Jared asked.

Evan leaned up and kissed his jaw, then put his head back down on Jared’s chest. “I love you, too.”


End file.
